Being a Beginner Again

I got my hair cut off. Not a huge deal, except it was quite symbolic for me. For three years, my schedule was filled with doctor appointments, physical therapy and surgeries. Blah.


I had to mindfully conserve my energy wherever I could. For me, that meant not going to the hair salon every six weeks. I understand for a lot of you, that would be the last thing you'd sacrifice, but I felt very uncomfortable at the salon. Those chairs, the floor. I just stopped going. Occasionally, I'd flip my hair upside down and trim the ends.


The moment my surgeon said, "Go live your life", I wanted to cut my long hair off. It felt full of anesthesia, fear, and pain. Weird, right? I know. Like I said, it was very symbolic.


I made an appointment with a young guy named Josue. I'd been to him one time before, several years ago. I remembered him as being empathetic and fun. When I got there, I told him the story and he said, "Oh yes, girl. Your hair is holding a lot of that energy. Let's get you free." I loved that.


Snip snip. The cutting went on for what felt like forever. I made sure not to look. I wanted to feel the change. I wanted to shed layers. I did see the very large pile of hair accumulating on the floor beneath me. Buh-bye!


I strutted out of the salon feeling ten years younger and a whole lot lighter. I knew immediately where I needed to go next. The Canyon.


I'm still working on regaining my confidence on the trail, especially on the downhill, rocky portions. Therefore, I was getting huge waves of anxiety in my belly when I thought of stepping foot on the Grand Canyon trail. "That's OK", I told myself. Fear is good. Fear is normal. Feel it trying to protect you.


Get in the car and go anyway.


You guys - the moment my boots touched the South Kaibab trail, I was home. It felt amazing. For a minute. Then, I realized how dang steep this trail is. I felt an adrenaline rush in my chest and belly as I pictured myself falling. "That's OK", I told myself. You are safe. You decide your pace. Use your poles and trust your shoes.


I was a beginner again. Most people were passing me. "That's OK." I simply stepped off the trail and let them. I used the break to breathe deeply and get recentered, and to look around. I could see the trail miles below, where Marie and I had scampered along towards Phantom Ranch nine years ago.


I'm not sure exactly why, maybe it was the haircut. But it didn't bother me at all. I didn't feel weighed down by comparison of the other hikers, or my former self. I was too happy to be there, even as a beginner.


I am sharing this story because I have heard from many of you that you feel like you'll be starting over. I get it!! I truly do.


All I know is I had two choices. I could have stayed stuck in my head, where that anxiety was coming from. Or I could get in the car, put my boots on, take the first step, and trust that trail magic would do the rest.


And it did.