Self-loathing is hard to define.
For me, one of the biggest issues is I hid it, so no one knew I felt that way. But inside, guilt and shame were running my life, and all my decisions. No matter how hard I tried to WILL myself to change, that darkness inside me would trip me up again and again.
When I thought I was a terrible person, it was hard to care what I ate, what I smoked, whether I exercised. Guilt kept winning. Shame kept winning.
I hated that battle and did everything in my power to hide it. I worked harder than everyone else. I didn't have boundaries so I could people please continually for small doses of counterfeit worth. Like a beggar, I went around looking for approval handouts everywhere I went.
It sucked. And I stayed stuck like that for decades.
Do you know what the magic secret was? I'll tell you first what it wasn't. It wasn't a new diet. It wasn't harder exercises. It wasn't changing the voice in my head (I couldn't if I tried). It wasn't getting a new job, boss, husband, kids, house, body, bank account, or any of that.
ALL I DID was tell someone the truth, who I trusted would listen and respond only in love and acceptance, which they did. Because guilt was a liar. And shame was a liar. I wasn't a terrible person. I was a sensitive human.
When I told my story for the first time, I shook and cried and could barely talk. It had been bottled up for so long, getting more and more twisted as time went on. But I told it anyway.
And every time I did, I felt more and more FREEDOM from the self-loathing and the old, tired lies that I'd never be good enough. Turns out I already was good enough. I'd just been through some shit, translated it poorly, and then clung to it as my identity.
Not anymore, friends! I'm free now, no longer weighted down by guilt, shame or the false beliefs about WHO I AM. The TRUTH set me free.