I had to share this selfie, because honestly this is the first time I've felt good about myself in a very long time. Not superficially, even though I do like my black cold-shoulder t-shirt. And I am feeling pretty fit from my Combat & Pump classes last week. No, I mean inside, in that place where the light either shines or it doesn't.
Many of you know this page used to be called Clear Rock Fitness, which was the name of the business I created in Ohio. Well, I visited Ohio last week, in part because I had tickets to see ELO (definitely a bucket list concert for me). I could have given my ticket to my brother or a friend, but I really wanted to go. And it was a great excuse to visit my family so soon after moving to Phoenix. Plus, I planned this with my concert friends last October.
I have a habit of writing concert dates in my calendar along with the venue and when I paid for the ticket. So, in my book for July 30th it said "ELO at Nationwide - paid 10/25". I couldn't help but think about how much has changed since 10/25 and how quickly it happened.
Last October, I was deep in a legal battle, fighting for the life of the business I had created. I had four different legal actions simultaneously in process. I was fighting for my intellectual property (you can't use other peoples name, words, photos, etc), equipment, contractual issues and money owed. I wasn't even thinking about closing the business yet, and I certainly didn't know it was going bankrupt.
Now, I was doing this alone. Not that I didn't have emotional support, I did. But I'm single and I relied completely on income from my business to survive financially. So as the court battle dragged on and the legal bills grew rapidly, between 10/25 (when I said yes to ELO) and 12/31, I ran out of money and gave up by closing the doors. [Just for the record, my business had grown every year since it opened, so the story being told is, well, you decide.]
That was almost eight months ago, and the fog is just now starting to clear. What I am realizing is there is TRAUMA at the root in all this. How terrifying it was financially, emotionally.
I was working with a client last week who had gotten in a scary accident a month or so ago. I could tell her decisions since the accident were rooted in lower self, so I asked her to draw a picture of a ladder with ten rungs and number them one through ten. Now, I asked, where was your self worth the day before the accident? She said about an 8. OK, where would you say it was the day after the accident? She said 4.
Exactly. Scary-as-hell traumatic events, losses, betrayals all seem to have a way of knocking us down a few rungs (or more) on the ladder of worthiness and confidence.
I learned this with the death of my parents. With these losses (trauma) came devastating hits to my self-worth.
Now, think about the sort of choices we make when we are at level 8 and feeling strong, empowered, confident, loved. Usually strong, empowered, confident choices rooted in love.
However, what sort of choices do we make when we are at level 4 (or lower)? Often self-destructive choices rooted in fear.
I cannot tell you how tempting lower-self choices have been these last eight months. But I'm here to say this. I ROCKED IT emotionally and spiritually, and I'm so proud of myself. I stayed rooted in love. I asked for help every time I needed it. I meditated and prayed fanatically. ["please God please God please God"]
I let myself feel pain and fear, but I didn't get stuck there. I was David against Goliath and I fought hard! I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF LIKE I NEVER HAVE IN MY LIFE, and even though it meant the loss of my business, I would do it again.
There's something new on the horizon for me career-wise, that I'm certain. And as the fog lifts, I realize that staying connected to my true identity and my authentic self, instead of being tempted into my lower, fearful self was one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had.
For what is a woman profited, if she shall gain the whole world, and lose her own soul? Thank you, God! I get to move forward with my integrity intact. With my soul lit up again. And with the confidence that comes from learning to stand up for myself, for justice, and being proud of myself.
It was really great to feel that rise up today. May you experience the light if you've been in darkness. May you begin to climb out of lower self and into your sacred self if you've been traumatized in any way. May you feel proud of yourself for doing the best you possibly could.
Founder of LYBU, Specialized In Home Personal Trainer for Women 40+, Coach, Speaker and Author of I Know What To Do, I Just Don't Do It ©